If you're reading this, you might be a little confused, so let me give you some context. A few weeks ago, I graduated high school (I know, I know...she's all grown up...GAG), and the occasion brought many new emotions and thoughts. So basically, I realized that I need an outlet to channel my nervous energy as I wait anxiously for college to begin (also GAG). I'm not sure how long this will last or if I'll continue after college starts, but at least it's something to work towards for this summer YIPEE!! So sit back, relax, and enjoy the show.
It was a dark and stormy night--
JUST KIDDING. I would never start with such a cliché intro. Except for maybe once. Right now. But it won't be that bad, just bear with me please :)
I am in an extremely awkward time in my life. Growing up, I often heard that graduating high school is like turning the page to a new chapter. But I wouldn't equate my current emotions to the feeling of starting the next chapter in a book you are likely enjoying reading leisurely. In fact, I think this can be better described as reading a book that is kind of dragging, then finishing a really exciting chapter that has the most epic cliffhanger right as your mom calls you downstairs for dinner. You dreadfully place your bookmark on the next chapter (if I find out anyone who is reading this blog DOG-EARS their book pages, I will personally hunt you down and it's on site) and spend the rest of dinner daydreaming about the book world that you momentarily paused.
Okay, even I can admit this is an intensely nerdy metaphor, but I hope you get the point. I desperately want to turn the page and get on with the rest of my life. But I'm currently seated at a three-month long family dinner that feels like it's never going to end. And it has barely started.
I mention my state of stasis because I have had some really weird emotions recently, and I can't tell if they're because of high school ending, because I'm a teenage girl, or because the remnants of online learning is still hindering my ability to socialize.
Yeah...you guessed it...this is about a boy. Or maybe a few boys. We'll see where the blog takes us.
For the sake of my future, we're going to use pseudonyms. I'll introduce them as we take a walk down memory lane, or at least, back to June 2021 when these awkward yet delicate emotions began. But I think I need to get you up-to-date on the present before talking about my past. So we're going to work backward, from current emotions to a truly unfortunate encounter that dates the beginning of several failed relationships I desperately need to heal from.
I promise that last sentence is as dramatic as this is going to get. Hopefully.
Being a senior in high school added some very unfamiliar and new emotions to my sentimental collection. But perhaps the oddest emotion comes in a new form of regret. Regret for leaving things unsaid. Regret for not taking advantage of every "senior event" or "last." Regret for being excited for a future that I know most of my current friends and family are not going to be a large part of. It's all very scary and very hard to put into words. But the last thing I expected on the last day of high school -- AKA roughly 1:30 AM on Sunday, June 4th at the Senior All Night Party -- was to realize I have a crush. And yes, along with you, I am cringing as I write this.
Like I said, we're using pseudonyms. So we'll call him J (I'm cringing again). This person is someone I have known for a loooooooooooooooooong time. Like, all-four-years-of-high-school long. But I suppose that J and I haven't always been the closest of friends. Honestly, I don't even think I can call him a friend. Because one thing about me, that I'm sure you know by now, is that it takes me ages to fully open up to people. And I am debilitatingly shy -- which translates as painfully obvious social awkwardness -- around people I don't know. And J is one of those people. Don't get me wrong, I've had classes with him all throughout high school, and I would say we definitely have a handful of mutual friends (understatement of the year), but I never quite worked up the courage to become friends with him. Although I definitely wanted to. And let me tell you, I'm greatly regretting this now.
You see, J is going to a different college than I am, so my chances of seeing him after high school are relatively slim. Except for the fact that he is still going to school in Michigan, like me. And he has a ton of close friends going to UofM. And he invited me to his grad party out of NO WHERE.
Pause. Before we continue, I need to interject. Mrs. Knudson, if you ever read this (which I highly doubt you will, but still worth mentioning) I'm realizing that the pseudonym is probably not even worth it considering how much detail I am going into. I have no idea if you know who I'm talking about or will talk about, but I think there is a pretty good chance that someone at Troy High, graduating senior or not, does...so let's just keep this one between us.
Okay, resume. And let me take a few steps back. After realizing that I had a crush on J, which happened right as the All Night Party was coming to a close (and so were my chances of talking to him), I obviously vented to two very close friends of mine: Noyo and Om. We talked about my new found emotions through groggy laughs, heavy eyes, and barely-functioning brains -- after all, it was maybe 5:00 am and we had just left the school. And in the moment, I decided I was just going to let it all go. I went home, slept for most of the day, and woke up to find my early-morning contemplation to be fully justified. As cute as I find this boy and as kind as I think he is (again, GAG GAG GAG GAG GAG), I am literally leaving for college in THREE MONTHS. I DON'T HAVE TIME FOR THIS RIGHT NOW.
Okay, maybe I do have the time. But definitely not the emotional stability.
So just as any emotionally intelligent (I'm realizing how contradicting this sounds when compared to my previous sentence but it's kinda funny so enjoy my unintentional oxymoron) person would do, I carried on with my life. All until I was driving home from the gym the next day and realized I got a text from J. Out of nowhere. Inviting me to his grad party.
For context, I did not have this boy's phone number. And he didn't have mine. And like I already established, we are not that close. I mostly do this weird admiring from a distance thing and only ever talk to him when I have a question about school, am surrounded by our mutual friends, or VERY RARELY work up the courage to compliment him. So why is he inviting me to his grad party?
As it turns out, I'm not as emotionally intelligent as I thought I was, and my mind rushed to a million different conclusions.
- he invited everyone in our singular shared class to his party and didn't want to leave me out
- he pities me
- our mutual friends urged him to invite me because they pity me
- he is actually as genuine and kind as my mind has made him up to be
- he actually isn't nice at all and only invited me because he pities me
- oh shoot, I said #5 already
- does this count as overthinking yet?
- what am I doing...Mrs. Knudson would be so disappointed...
Yeah, you get the point. I've been driven to insanity because of a crush that had lasted only three days. Excuse the expletive, but wtf.
Besides the very short exchange of me accepting his invitation to his grad party and paying another insanely desperate compliment, J and I haven't talked much -- or at all -- since then. But now that you're updated on that craziness, I think it's time to dig deep into my past, uncover all the reasons I now apparently have trust issues (according to Noyo and Om), and what I'm going to do about it. So we're going to bookmark the J story and revisit when I'm more mentally stable.
Like I said, we're going in reverse order, so onto the next guy and primary reason I have trust issues. Honestly, the most obvious pseudonym is "J" because his name also starts with that, but "J" is already taken. So let's go with "Z". It's the last letter in the alphabet, just like Z is last in my heart.
My story with Z begins in March of 2022. I was a slightly depressed and insanely stressed junior finishing the excruciatingly long days before spring break. I had enough on my mind -- between final projects and tests and the impending doom of my first go at AP exams, my plate was so full that I needed to go back for seconds in order to balance everything.
Haha. Balance. What a funny concept.
Needless to say, I was beyond overwhelmed. And more than that, I was burnt out. I felt invisible. I felt alone. I felt like no one could possibly understand what I was going through. (Disclaimer: I have since realized that everyone in my grade was struggling equally as much as I was. I am in a much better place, but it was the first time I ever carried that much stress, so my mind didn't know what to do with it. I regrettably resorted to isolation -- would not recommend.) But for the first time, Z spoke to me. Just a little acknowledgement during a group discussion. But he spoke to me. He saw me when it felt like no one in the world could see me. But, I don't develop feelings quite that fast, remember? So I tucked that moment away and fought my way to spring break.
And then I returned to school. Life got busy and school got even busier. Before I knew it, I was a week out from AP exams and about to leave for my first and only spring trip with the Troy High Orchestra Program (New York 2022 honestly deserves its own blog post -- I frequently refer to that trip as being co-responsible for saving me, but that's a story for another time). Ironically, J was also on that trip, but I wasn't close with him at the time...again, regrettably. He wasn't the focus of my attention, Z was. Because while I was on that trip and leading up to it, Z seemed to reach out. He spoke to me here and there and treated me like a friend. And then like someone who is a little more than a friend.
On our way back from NYC, we played a quick and forced version of musical chairs on the bus in order to get everyone seated next to someone they could study with (what else do you expect from a bus full of orchestra nerds who are all taking at least three AP exams beginning less than week after we return home?) I ended up switching seats two or three times, all against my will. But I needed to study, too, so I pulled out my precalc homework and tried my hardest to understand. Unfortunately, I just couldn't. And against my own ego and everything my feminist identity has taught me, I resorted to asking the boys around me for help (I was disappointedly sat several rows away from the girls on the trip. Again...against. my. will.)
Turns out they actually weren't rude at all (it pays to be quiet and nice because no one will mess with you) and helped me understand the material a lot better...including Z. And at one moment, I was frustratingly forcing myself to finish the worksheet I very apparently did not understand when I glanced up, met eyes with Z, and said hello.
He asked me how I was doing.
I replied, "Do you understand this?"
He reached his hand out, and I handed over the paper so fast that you would think I have no dignity. He tried to help me from a distance, but he couldn't. Instead, he asked me if I wanted to sit next to him.
Another thing you will soon learn about me: I don't know how to act when a boy does something like that. I literally lose all ability to speak and my "fight or flight" instincts simply "freeze." I told Z that I didn't want to make his friend move. Sorry, scratch that. His best friend who had been sitting next to him for several hours. Z decided to just stand next to me WHILE THE BUS WAS MOVING in order to try to help me with my homework. I mean, c'mon. I can't be the only one who thinks that he had to have had some type of intentions when doing all of this. You don't just sacrifice your best friend's comfort and your own safety for a girl you have barely spoken to. I'm no expert on the bro code, but I'm pretty sure this is very very against it.
So OBVIOUSLY I came out of that experience with some new feelings. Okay, that's an understatement. It became a pretty intense crush. I started texting him while we both struggled through studying for AP exam make-ups (I missed two exams because of having COVID and he missed his exams because of a competition), and we quickly became pretty close. Over text.
But something was off, and I could feel it. Like someone famous once said, all good things must come to an end. And to an end, they came.
When we texted, everything was fine and honestly really fun. He complimented me and joked with me, and it felt like I was at the start of a really rewarding relationship...or at least, a quality friendship. However, when I saw him at school, it was radio silence. Sometimes not even a glance in my direction or acknowledgement that I existed. So that stung. A lot.
Finally, the week of my birthday, I had a pretty weird feeling at lunch after I overheard a friend say something about him and another girl. I voiced my concerns to my friend (the queen herself, Noyonima Masud) who did some stalking for me, and sure enough, he and the other girl had been "talking." Since March.
I'm sorry -- since March? As in the same time he started to go out of his way to talk to me? How could this boy be so audacious to spend the time and energy investing in a friendship with me when he clearly was more interested in another girl? What signs did I miss? How many red flags did he wave that I willfully ignored? What does this other girl have that I don't? What could I have done differently? What did I do wrong? My mind jumped to thousands of different conclusions, but all held a common denominator -- this was my fault.
Luckily, I have some pretty amazing friends who assured me that Z is nothing more than an immature teenage boy and a premature player. Nevertheless, tears were shed, and it took me months before I felt like myself again. But I came out of the experience a much stronger and more knowledgeable person. It still hurts to think that I fell head over heels because a dude went out of his way to make me feel "special" while he was talking to another girl the entire time, but I was played. It had absolutely nothing to do with me and everything to do with him.
I'm happy to report that I took a very much needed break from boys the following summer and realized how horrible of a person that guy was...is. Truthfully, it's been over a year and I can't help but be thankful for the bullet I just barely dodged. Do I have trust issues now? Yes. Is it entirely because of Z? No (we'll get to it, I promise). Do I regret the time I spent talking with him? No -- it taught me a lot about who I am, what I desire in a friendship and/or relationship, and how much I am capable of handling. But above all else, it made me realize how strong my support system is. I had three amazing friends to cry with me, cuss him out (from the seclusion and safety of my car, of course), and remind me of how strong I am, and I will always be indebted to them for the hard work they put in to fix a heart they didn't break. I love them to the moon and back. (My three queens: Noyo, Sanju, and Varsha <3)
Onto the next boy! This is honestly the only guy I will be writing about that I would feel comfortable using his actual name because he is the only person who was mentally mature enough to have a conversation with after I healed from my short-lived crush on him. We're still great friends and I definitely consider him like a brother now...hopefully he doesn't think I hate him considering how often I banter.
Regardless, I respect his privacy, so we'll call him "K" (these are painfully obvious pseudonyms...maybe this is something I can work on over the summer considering I literally have nothing better to do).
K is special, because like I alluded to, he is the only person I have ever admitted having feelings for. Granted it doesn't fully count because I confessed months after my feelings had ended, but this is my blog, so I write the rules here and I say this counts.
I don't know how or why this crush started -- a true testament to the role it played in my rapid social maturation after the pandemic. K was never more than a small crush I had, and I'm going to admit something for the very first time: I don't think I ever actually wanted a relationship with him. In fact, I think my feelings for him were more of a re-acclimation to normalcy for a number of reasons (that we WILL get into later, I PROMISE). Nevertheless, I had way too much fun texting him, freaking out over every tiny interaction, and obsessing to my friends. But just as I lacked awareness as I returned from online learning and basically faced "sensory overload" every single day, many of classmates did, as well. Including one of my best friends who didn't share my definition of boundaries and what we can call "the girl code."
We were returning from a HOSA competition up north, and it was just two days after I had admitted to said best friend that I was no longer sure of my feelings for K. Two days. Forty-eight hours. That was all it took for her to snuggle up next to him on the bus ride home.
Now, I know what you are probably thinking. Girl, how can you be upset with your friend when you told her you no longer had feelings for the guy and have very obviously never communicated boundaries with her? The good news is I understand all of this now! The bad news? It took nearly a year away from our friendship to realize this. Indirectly, of course, and not necessarily regrettably. Actually, it is probably the only decision I made during my junior year that I don't entirely regret.
I won't go into too much detail because I don't think I am even ready for that, but I needed time to reflect on my values, and with the busy schedules we both have, my friend and I easily gave each other that time. While not talking so frequently with her, I realized a number of things that I still reference when I come across uprootings in both my and my friends' relationships:
- You can't hold grudges for boundaries and rules that were never clearly established.
- Anger is a wasted emotion and won't get you anywhere.
- There is nothing more powerful than communication, but time is a close second. It truly does heal.
- Never act out of spite. Give yourself time to process, and then decide if a conversation is worth pursuing. Some things are meant to let go of.
I have since apologized for my unwarned leave of absence from our friendship, and we are still great friends. But my feelings for K were too light-hearted to survive the pressure that my friend's flirtations forced, so my little crush ended, and roughly four months later, I confessed.
I hope you realize that this crush was actually really healthy for me. It was honestly like being in the eye of a storm, in a sanctuary surrounded by catastrophe. I learned to communicate with both best friends and past love-interests, so I have to say that I am probably most proud of my handling of my relationship with K, even to this day.
But what would this blog post be without me admitting way too much about my personal life? Hah, you thought I did that already. Well, just you wait. We are going to take a deeeeeeeeeeeeeep dive into probably the darkest part of my life so far. Which speaking of...
I've been trying really hard throughout the past year to change my writing style form super serious all the time to more casual and up-beat. But there are some topics that require a more serious tone in order to articulate the point fully and give it justice. The details I will be going into are mostly for my own therapeutic and healing purposes, but in the slight chance that someone actually ends up reading this, I think it's only proper to give a bit of a content warning. I will be discussing a man who nearly groomed me. If that will be triggering for you, please skip ahead to the part that is bolded, highlighted in red, and reads "resume here."
The final destination down memory lane is located at 30 E Big Beaver Road, Troy MI -- more commonly known as Kona Grill. Entering my junior year of high school, I was desperate for a job. I wanted the experience (yes, to put on my college apps...) and I obviously didn't mind the money that came with it. However, nothing could have prepared me for the extremely sharp learning curve I was about to encounter.
sigh...
From rude customers who thought they could teach me how to do my job despite very apparently never having spent a day employed within the service industry to near code-violation scares with the health department's spontaneous check-ins to the manager who got food poisoning from his very own restaurant...yes, that is a true story...Kona Grill was a wild first job to have. And there were a lot of "firsts" for me -- first time closing, first time opening, first time taking an order, first time cleaning up puke in the bathroom, first time being verbally assaulted by a customer oops I mean guest, first time walking into the men's restroom while some dude was stood at the urinal (yes, peeing), first time being used as the designated human punching bag for managers, servers, and bartenders to yell at even though I didn't do anything wrong but they needed to blow off some steam and since the hosts had the least stressful job we obviously could handle the extra scrutiny...yeah...you get the point.
And while I hope none of you have ever experienced what I am about to describe, I know that emotional manipulation is a very popular tactic for older men when it comes to underage girls they work with. I, unfortunately, became their prey.
The restaurant business is fast-paced, and it will make you feel like the only people who could possibly understand what you are going through are the people that you work with. While it is true that there a number of work experiences that none of my friends could ever possibly relate to (thankfully), it is certainly not the end-all-be-all. But alas, there I was the week before my sophomore year of high school started making a fool of myself in front of a coworker I thought was cute. Like, really cute. And I did not tell a single soul.
But you all know me by now, RIGHT? So say it with me...Bella observed from a distaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaance, and that was truly the extent of my interactions with the guy. At first.
Until one chilly fall evening, when he decided to poke me. Very discreetly, and just enough so only he and I would know what he did. But he did it to all the other girls -- a detail I had become extremely cognoscente of. He was being friendly, nothing more.......right?
The endearing name-calling began shortly after his first touch. I became darling and hun among a mosaic of other manipulative and inappropriate nicknames that I have blocked from my memory by now. But to him, I was never just "Bella." It always had to be a pet name, as if saying my name would force him to face the fact that he was severely mistreating a child, a human being.
I'm realizing now that I haven't given him a pseudonym yet, so let me think...we can't do J because, although his name ALSO starts with that, J is already taken (sidenote: I really need to start avoiding guys with names that start with J because this blog post is all about problematic men in my life and THREE of them have names that start with J? How have I not noticed this pattern sooner??????) Z is fitting for the same reason it fit for guy #2, and to be honest, both of these dudes fall lastly in my heart, but perhaps the current topic of interest is slightly worse them Z was, so how about......hmmm, what comes after Z? Gen X, Gen Y, Gen Z......OHHHH Gen ALPHA!!! Perfect, the current dude will be called Alpha. Not only because it comes "after" Z in the alphabet (how could you mistreat someone so badly that they can't even use a letter in the alphabet to hide your identity so they resort to an alphabet for a language they don't even SPEAK), but because this guy was a bit of an alpha male, and definitely not in a good way.
So, back to the story! Alpha never called me by name. Even when he needed me to run food for him (restaurant-speak for taking food to a designated table), bring an extra napkin to someone, or check the reservations for the evening. It was weird.
While the name-calling and occasional flirtatious-but-not-too-flirtatious caresses continued, I began to actually enjoy the attention, something that is extremely hard for me to admit. Like I said, this guy treated every single girl the same way, so I felt left out when he would ignore me for a shift or not say hi to me when I arrived for my evening of work. Honestly, it became a very exclusive, extremely odd club. Who was Alpha going to focus most on today?
And it was kind of fun, too. This was the first person to ever give me that amount of romantic attention, even if it was as discretely as it seemed. I had NEVER interacted with a boy like that before, so it was all a huge step for me. I just wish that step hadn't been taken because of a now twenty-five-year-old man. Oh, shoot. I left that part out, didn't I?
Needless to say, the "relationship" was doomed before it ever really began, and deep down I always knew that. But despite being younger, despite the fact that I was a high school student, and above all else, despite me being a minor (protected by THE LAW), Alpha pursued me as much as he could without drawing any attention. And this continued steadily until 2022.
I try to keep it secular in these blog posts for many reasons, so take the following sentence however you see fit. I don't know who (what?) higher power ended up forcing us in different directions, but I am so thankful for not working with Alpha for a solid two months. We must have both had different schedules, were busy with school, or my guardian angel/ work dad/ manager actually took notice and refused to schedule us together, but I did not work with Alpha for an extremely long time. While it momentarily crashed and burned when I tried to say hello to him after not seeing him for months and he chose to completely ignore me and avoid eye contact at all costs (yeahhhhh that hurt and I did cry in the bathroom for a few minutes after...aka my lowest point and a huge wake-up call), I am grateful for those growing pains. It made me realize how attached I became to a grown man who truly couldn't care less about my well-being, my emotions, or me, for that matter. And I am eternally indebted to whoever noticed how dangerous the relationship had become and decided to do something about. It's scary to admit, but who knows where I would be or who I would be with if we hadn't been pulled in different directions for merely eight weeks.
THAT is why K was such a big deal for me. He was my first crush after (and kind of during) being nearly groomed, and it felt like I was taking ownership of my emotions and my life again. It was my return to being a teenager.
They say the restaurant industry, or any job, matures you. But no child should get to a point in which they think it is okay for grown adults to flirt with them. If that is what "maturing in the workforce" means, then it is time to change.
[RESUME HERE]
So...now that I have explained everything in excruciating detail, hopefully things are starting to make more sense. Moral of the story: I have way too much time on my hands...thankfully.
Throughout writing this blog post over the course of several weeks (it is currently June 25 and I started this post right after graduation), I have learned a lot about myself and finally began processing everything boy related since my relationship with my own romantic emotions horribly spiraled just under two years ago. Fortunately, I'm happy to report that even by writing this post, I have been doing MUCH better with my emotions and have realized that a summer alone is the best choice for me.
Also, before I forget, I did end up going to J's grad party and it was honestly really fun. But more so in a friendly way. I'm really glad I went.
So my NEW and long-awaited goals for the summer include:
- reading often
- writing often
- exercising ~5 times a week (I'm a gym bro now hehehehehehe)
- spending time with the people I love
- working on loving myself <3
It has been a looooooooooooooong road. And it has taken me forever to finally realize that I can live my life for myself, not waiting around for a boy who (no offense) is probably going to break my heart. As long as I am doing things that make me feel full of life, no boy can take that life from me.
Maybe this summer is going to be all about reinventing myself. Maybe this summer is going to add several new chapters to my "book of life." But maybe turning the page doesn't happen the second you turn the tassel. And maybe -- juuuuust maybe -- it's okay to be stuck in between two chapters while you are helping the main character grow.
Until next time,
Your burnt out gifted kid <3
P.S. if you are a nerd and curious like me, this blog ended up being 5433 words...5434...5435...okay, you get the point bye bye
P.P.S. since this is no longer for school, I'm not really planning on including any pictures (since this is mostly just for my own therapeutic purposes) but maybe I will include a few in the future...we will see...also I'm not too sure how many of these will include a picture of my cat but I kinda like the idea of keeping her in it hehehehe
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