The Importance of Defeat
I have spent the past four years of my life as a competitive public speaker (forensics team -- NOT THE SCIENCE), and three of those years were spent in the "storytelling" category. Now, before I elaborate, allow me to address the elephant in the room. Yes, I am aware that competitive public speaking sounds like a scene straight out of hell, and no, I am not a psychopath. In fact, there was a moment in time where I absolutely dreaded the thought of presenting in front of an audience, but a lot can change when someone is given the right opportunity.
In class this week, we were introduced to "the art of storytelling," the idea that when approaching college essay topics, there is no wrong answer. But as I read articles about writing the perfect essay and selecting a topic that will shine, I was reminded of the certainty it takes to tell my story and the long journey I have traveled to get there.
In the fall of 2019, my storytelling journey began. Everything felt simple. I had an entire year ahead of me, and nothing could get in the way of seeking a precious first place trophy.
But my first competition hit my like a thousand books collapsing onto my body. I was thrown into competition rooms with kids that had been competing for close to a decade, and I couldn't help but size them up. They were older, better, louder, and I couldn't keep up. I sank, depleting myself of any small amount of confidence I had.
The following year, I entered with a fresh perspective, actively reflecting on each step of my journey so far. Instead of expecting to win every round, I talked myself into a comfortable and focused mind-set. Was I the best? No. Was I the loudest? Getting there. Was I proud of how I did? Yes. Every. Single. Time.
And almost instantaneously, I grew. I made the semi-final round at nearly every competition that year. And the following year, I made the final round at many of the competitions. Now, I have yet to acquire my desired shiny first place trophy, but I have achieved something so much more valuable. A sense of team, a feeling of belonging, and confidence to perform my best, regardless of how prepared I feel.
As I continue to reflect on my competitive career, I envision who I was. A young girl struggling to raise her hand in class out of fear of what her classmates will think even though she knew the right answer. A quiet student whose mother, at every parent-teacher conference, was told that her daughter never spoke enough in class. A naïve child with hopes of one day feeling powerful enough to conquer the world. Perhaps it never was about the outcome, but the labor it took to achieve it. Perhaps each defeat, as arduous as it appeared, was another chance to tell my story. To raise my voice. To make room for myself in a world that is constantly tell me to shut up.
Phrase of the week: unapologetic presence. This blog post helped remind me of how far I have come, and that I have no reason to fear where I am going. But in order to grow, I need to make space for myself.
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