If it ain't broke, maybe you should still fix it? (don't come at me...I'm fundamentally and theoretically a perfectionist)

 Hey....how's it going....how's everyone doing? Okay honestly, this is a little bit awkward. I told y'all that I was going to write all summer long and then did not post a single blog after the 5,000-word monstrosity that is unfortunately the pinnacle of my summer writing chronicles. But fear not! I'm back and (hopefully) here to stay! Why, you might ask? Because my mental health is absolute shit and I need an outlet to express myself that isn't my parents (sorry for all the late-night sob sessions) or my pillow (honestly surprised she hasn't melted from all the tears she has collected through the weeks). 

But ANYWAY...back to fixing my mental health! Here's a run-down of everything that has happened over the past two months. 

• kind of totally and completely adjusted to college life
• struggled to find a research project (requirement for my program) and then found one YAY
• but a potential caveat: creepy PhD student???
• somehow successfully made it through two orgo exams!
• cried a lot 
• developed a caffeine dependency

So, where were we? 

Oh, right. I actually have to improve my mental health. 

Here's the thing about college. Or at least, here is what I've observed after two mostly successful and exciting months at the University of Michigan. College can be as much or as little of an incredible experience as you want it to be. Some people will get to the end of their four years having experienced very little in terms of academics, social events, and extra curriculars. But I am not people. I set very high expectations going into college. I thought that my social life would exponentially blossom, my study habits would improve significantly, and most of all, I would be happy all. the. time. After all, this was still is my dream school, and if a year ago you asked me what I wanted most in life, I would have told you "an acceptance into Michigan." It has now been several months since my acceptance, and after many many rough college experiences, I think it's time to begin unpacking everything I have done since setting foot on campus. 

(Don't worry...we're past the 5,000 word blog posts...I'll break this up into multiple separate entries)

Before we begin, let's set some guidelines. Like I said, my mental health hasn't been great, so I plan to set a goal and reward for writing more frequently. Is it embarrassing that I have to motivate myself to do something I actually enjoy doing? Slightly. But luckily, I have an excuse. Since coming to college, I have developed into a total academic weapon. So...when given the choice between doing something productively relaxing (like journaling) and studying orgo (literally barf wtf), I would honestly choose orgo -- a side effect of the poor state of mental health. 

But back to the original idea: I will be rewarding myself with an item from the M Den. For those of you that don't know, the M Den is Heaven on Earth. It's a store entirely consisting of UofM merch that seems to go on for MILES and is quite literally my favorite place to be. So, on the day before Thanksgiving break (November 21), if I have written consistently -- meaning multiple times a week -- I will treat myself to a lil gift. Don't worry, I'll share the love and upload a picture of whatever I end up buying. 

Awkwardly enough, this is actually a perfect segue into my topic for today! After my first orgo exam (and very first exam in college), I had stressed myself out SO MUCH that I decided to buy myself a sweatshirt (from the M Den, of course). It has now became my favorite article of clothing, but I believe that is really only because I ended up doing well on that exam. And truthfully, that is the problem. I need to stop associating my happiness and success with arbitrary constructs like grades. Don't get me wrong, grades are important. After all, my plan is to go to graduate school, so I understand that my GPA matter. But at the same time, it isn't the only important thing, especially my first semester of college. 

Over the past couple months, I have learned a lot about myself. Living on my own has made me realize how much my emotional well-being depended on my family. And now that they are no longer my safety net, ready to cradle me at the instance of any minor inconvenience, I have to do it myself. So here I am, sitting in my lofted bed (side note: these things are really annoying) at 9:49 pm on a Wednesday night, trying to take steps in the direction of taking care of myself -- mentally and physically. #selfcare.

SHIT WE'RE GETTING SIDE-TRACKED AGAIN.

Orgo is very hard, but much to my own surprise (and my parents and friends and roommate and basically everyone else in my life), I actually really enjoy it. The problem is that every time I have an exam, my mental health spirals. Most recently, this means wasting my entire Friday having a nervous breakdown (and by nervous breakdown, I mean heart-racing, nervous sweats, can't think about anything other than my exam grade and can't do anything other than thinking about my exam grade) just to receive a near-perfect score on an exam I confidently walked out of. It's embarrassing, really. 

Also, sorry that was actually so cocky but I needed to prove my point. Moving on. 

So, how am I going to solve this? First of all, I'm going to take care of myself better after exams. I'm going to make sure that on the day I have an exam score being released, I will reserve the afternoon for myself. But what I absolutely CANNOT do is let myself shrivel up into a ball of anxiety for hours before my score is released, skipping meals out of anxiety-induced appetite loss and frantically calling my parents and friends out of desperation. So, instead I plan to take myself on a date, hang out with friends around campus, or (my personal favorite) go for a long walk and take a nice, hot shower once I return. There are many options, but surrendering to my academic anxiety is no longer one of them. 

Anyway, that's basically how I want this to go. I plan to unpack parts of my college experience that have given me trouble so far and find ways to fix the issues so they don't turn into bad habits. And just to be cheesy for a moment, I am very proud of myself for being able to do this. "High school" me would have never been able to look at my study habits and see them as unhealthy. As the old phrase goes, if it ain't broke, don't fix it. But the thing is, some things need to be fixed, even if they don't appear broken on the surface. Yes, it's true that you can never achieve utter perfection, but there is always room for improvement. I may be doing well on my exams, but I am most definitely miserably failing in terms of managing my emotions surrounding these exams. 

To conclude:

1. I'M BACK BITCHES
2. my mental health is shittier than the shittiest place on Earth (cough cough Columbus, Ohio)
3. I will try to repair the damage that has been done by CHEM 210 at the University of Michigan! Enjoy the show!

Okay, I've obviously reached a point of insanity, so I'm forcing myself to be done for tonight. Goodnight, and thanks for always listening :)

(no cat photos because she is not at school with me)