Step on the rose-tinted glasses...we all need a reality check.

When I was in high school, my only goal was to get into college. More specifically, I wanted to attend the University of Michigan. Now that I am here, I am faced with figuring out what I want my future to look like. For the first time in my life, my goal does not feel concrete. Most recently -- as I'm sure you can understand from the fact that I haven't written in about a week -- my mental health hasn't been great. I'll go into detail in a little bit, but you get the gist. School is hard. Being pre-med is even harder. And trying to do both at the University of Michigan feels impossible most of the time. Because of this, I've decided (and by "decided" I mean that I've strongly considered) taking a gap year. Let's unpack how it happened. 

Three weeks ago, I had my second exam for orgo, and despite the fact that I came out of that exam feeling confident about how I had done, I was still an emotional wreck. In the days that would follow, I would have several mental break downs (like literally crying on my dorm room floor and shaking because I was so anxious about my score), spend my days entirely distracted and removed from society, and eventually fail to function. All because of an exam I was certain I had at least passed. 

Of course, this is what led me back to you! My beautiful blog post and imaginary audience that accompany me through life's many ups and downs. In the wise words of the great Nicki Minaj, "You can't get rid of me, bitch." :)

Anyhoo, I decided to write more to have an outlet to channel my nervous and slightly depressed energy. Things have been going relatively well so far, but I have to say, it hasn't all been perfect. Despite going home this past weekend, I was still indescribably homesick and damn-near depressed when having to come back to school Sunday afternoon. Even with Thanksgiving break right around the corner, it felt impossible having to live without the company of my parents, brothers, and beautiful pets for any longer than I already had. 

Listen, I know what you are probably thinking. Dude, you literally started this blog post by talking about how the only thing you wanted to achieve in high school was an acceptance into the University of Michigan (ahem...nerd) and now you're saying you can't stand being there? Trust me, I'm just as shocked as you are. This was my biggest dream for as long as I can remember, but homesickness is more powerful than most optimistic high school seniors realize. Every college application, campus tour, and enrollment deposit is completed through the lens of rose-tinted glasses. I romanticized every bit of college, and I gravely underestimated how hard it was going to be to have to live on my own. 

SIDE NOTE: if you are a current senior in high school, don't take a heavy course load your first semester. I PROMISE it isn't going to set you behind in any regard, and you will definitely appreciate the extra time to adjust to living on your. Or honestly even just having the freedom to have a mental breakdown without having to schedule it in your Google Calendar first. 

Back to our regularly-scheduled programming. Don't get me wrong in any way. I LOVE MICHIGAN (free Harbaugh lol). But that doesn't mean that I don't miss my family with every ounce in my body. I am still trying to figure out how to balance it all, but I think this blog post is definitely the first step. Sorry it was a little more grim than usual, but it's just the mood I've been in lately oopsies. Things will get better. I know they will. It's been a painful journey so far, but I know that each day, each week, and each semester will only get easier. 

Not me trying to convince myself to not just give up LMFAO

But in all seriousness, I've been feeling very burnt out. I need to be able to take things at a slower pace without risking my grades or mental and physical well-being. Hence, the gap-year has become a part of the discussion. Hopefully this will help with whatever has been on my mind for the past several weeks. 

Anyway, I was going to elaborate on the whole pre-med thing a little more, but I think this blog post is long enough. We'll talk about the trials and tribulations of being a first-gen pre-med in a world of elitists another time. Goodnight for now <3